God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
