Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
