That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
