Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
