so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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