Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Randomize
