I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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