i wish my penis had a tongue
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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