college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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