so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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