Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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