I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
