worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
