i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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