@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
