She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
