If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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