you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
