we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
