Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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