i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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