How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
