Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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