Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
