Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
