i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
