I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
