he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
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i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
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my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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