you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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