"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
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there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
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Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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