I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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