Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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