i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
