You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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