I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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