Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
