Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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