The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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