so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
