12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
