Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
