smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
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On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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