his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
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