Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
