I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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