using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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