You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
how drunk are you?
Several
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize