I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
