I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
