im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
