I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
