new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
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drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
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he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.