Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
