I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
