john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
