Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
