why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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