I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
