my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
He better not be in your backpack
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
