Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
