Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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