I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
