it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
