just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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