i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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