she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
