the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
