I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
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