i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
